Feeling: down, unhappy, irritable.
Listening to: cleft of dimension(the song playing on this page)

Today is sunday.. the Lord's day.. The worst part is that there isn't BS, so i wasn't inclined to wake up early just to go first service and so that i can go for the BS after that... I just hate waking up late!! The worst part is that in second service, the younger ppl who attend normally are people who sleep through messages.. The sight of them not concentrating or listening to the message makes my thoughts wander too.. Not their fault, but after I started attending first service, second service seems just such a pain to me..

I ask myself, am I doing the best I can? My friend Sherman shocked me totally when he finally became honest. He started talking in a humanistic way, like someone influenced by humanism.. The way he talked was as though he had discarded the Christian truths our school (Pei Hwa Presbyterian Primary) had implanted in us since young. I suppose this is one of the frightening effects of not having godly families, of not going to church regularly, of not doing regular QT. But being his good friend, it totally pained me to see how much we had distanced, but much more, seeing him walking on the broad way. "Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be to find it." Matt 7:13

On the whole, its only 51 days left till the 'O' levels. And I haven't begun a serious revision yet. I've started counting down since 70 days. But I've apparently wasted 20 days. plus the holidays. I've totally lost my bearings and burnt out.. Its a dangerous time for this to happen, and this couldn't have happened at a worse time. I need God. I need to get right first with God. Yet I need to start an intensive revision immediately. Too much. too much in such a short time. I sometimes wish I just have another month added to the 50 days. I sometimes wish I just didn't wait this one year. Maybe i just wish I have a good friend, or even a girlfriend to help me up in such a time.. Nah.. Won't come true.

It disappoints me that sometimes, even in church... Especially in church(rarely happens in school) we have people who are status watchers. They only talk to or mix with people who come from rich backgrounds, who have influential parents, who are chio/handsome, who come from good schools... Sometimes that disappoints me.. that even Christians fail to display brotherly love. That many a fallen and downed brother are left fallen, broken, so much so that some even leave the faith. Christian love should be in every way unconditional, and should be displayed to the fullest even regardless of whether the person is loveable or not. Especially when the person is not loveable.

Perhaps only I am going around, talking to the people who do not have anyone to talk to.. But thats because I myself, have no one to talk to..I seek friendship, but sometimes, its either I can't be enough of a friend to someone, or that someone can't be enough of a friend to me..I seek relationship, but sometimes I wonder if it is really so as to replace that friendship...

Someday, if I become rich, I'll make sure I give extra attention to those who are not loved. I'll make sure I ignore the popularity those status watchers give me. My heart goes out to those who are, like me, not loveable, and who are thus ignored by most people, especially status watchers. I HATE status watchers. They just make the unloved feel even more unloved and lonely.