feeling:Sian

Sighs.. If only i can just go online at anytime i like.. Sometimes I'm just so sian.. Sighs.. I slept through the afternoon today... Cuz i knew if i stayed awake and watch HSDS one more time (selected scenes) Then it would cause me more pain..

I kinda feel alone. Alone in my thoughts, feelings passions.... Everything that other people pursue all seem to gain some extent of attention from their friends.. Nah.. Not me... Sometimes, I psychologically check myself and end up realising I'm trying so hard to attract attention while not wanting to look as though I am attracting attention...

Sometimes, I just feel hurt by the comments people pass... Something i'm good in.. Either they are jealous they cant achieve as much, or they are jealous i'm getting some measure of attention, although someone enjoying it to a small extent.., Like my skill in my instrument... Ever since sec 1.. Ever since i started, I have surpassed everyone i know (besides my mentor, Anneson) in the flute, Being capable of faster, more intriguing scales than them, posessing a better sound quality, alll even compared to my seniors...

Everyone was just jealous. To them, every time I played, I was 'showing off'. Can't stand it. Now, even when I was teaching Lydia, Then I played, Some characters totally punctured my stability by saying 'although you play it very nicely, i don't know how to appreciate'. FINE! you can't play my instrument to MY standard, or even play it at all, then SHUT UP if you don't have other better comments to pass!!

Sometimes, I just wish the world in general took more effort to appreciate things others do or CAN do. I just wish there weren't so much jealousy, where everyone was just fighting for himself or herself to become the belle or shuaige in school... Or to be the next pop star.. Sometimes, these people just stifle me.. I just feel myself left with nowhere to express myself. People just have to learn to be polite, and smile and praise despite the fact that they are not able to appreciate.

Art pieces? I'm not an artist myself. Not someone who appreciates themes in art. But still, I know how to praise when someone has drawn something nice. Music? yeah. I know how to praise a good music piece, or a good passage played by a good musician. But something everyone here has to learn, is to praise sometimes, even if the musician is not so good. Encouragement here. Perhaps what spurred me on while learning the flute is this teacher in charge. Mr Ong Wooi H'sien. I still remember. He saw me with my flute in band practice, and he asked me where was my senior(Anneson). Then he said just as he left, "As I walked up the stairs, I could hear someone playing the flute. Was that you?" "Yes." I replied. "Not bad. I must admit its good playing for someone who has entered for three months."

Why can't people just praise a little more? or even just SHUT UP if they have nothing better to say? If my playing was bad, I don't mind criticism. I take criticism constructively. But if you don't have constructive criticism to give, only destructive criticism, so that you can 'regain' that little bit of lost attention, then SHUT UP. I'm pissed!

Its hard though. Hard for me to swallow humble pie. Hard for me to apologise at times. Hard for me to accept certain things.I don't understand why people these days just care about themselves, while feelings of others are just secondary. Sometimes, I admit I'm like that. I wish it were easier to control my actions sometimes. Sometimes I offend in the process of giving constructive criticism. My pride is hard to control... Sigh.. Keep me in prayer, those who share my faith... I wish so much to change.. Into someone more mature, someone more understanding... Just on the whole someone more pleasant....