Feeling:ok

Phy prac went quite ok.. although my body seemed to shiver a bit from the hunger i faced...Shoulda eaten more before going.. lol..

Well, I saw Chee Ming dating Cheryl.. Well, had been suspecting for quite some time that there was some chemistry going on between the two of them.. ANyway, it was confirmed today.. However, I found it rather surprising(much to my surprise..)because both Chee ming and Cheryl(in my knowledge and in accurate judgment) are not mature enough for dating...

Here i'm torn apart.. A part of me says that I'm disappointed in Chee Ming.. Well, I ultimately regret choosing Chee Ming and standing up for him, resulting in him being chosen as the drum major when ultimately he duzn give a damn about the band, its standard, blah blah... I'm disappointed in him as I was with the previous batch's leaders. To think I have done so much(although I am without a official position or post) and not to receive an a1 for cca(I got a B3 because of the stupid way they total CCA points... they take only the best score in four years for Participation, Achievement and Bonus... so although my raw total would beat every and anybody, this totalling system caused me to only get a b3).. I'm so disappointed in the education system too in this aspect.. Not acknowledging someone who has given his sweat and blood in contribution, while here, ppl like chee ming and his seniors get all the points while 'eating snake' and people like me(who are slowly dying out) are trying hard to try to slow the decline (and hence closedown) of the bands (Islandwide, although the effort is individual)...

I guess I've seen lotsa office politics in this area.. I'm tired of this.. Tired of having contributed without having any recognition (or even satisfaction for the matter) of any sort.. i shoulda been smarter, just lying low...

Part of me says i'm concerned about Chee Ming.. Nah.. i don't give a damn about him now.. Now to him, my friendship is just happy go lucky.. Here when the weather is fine.. Gone when the storms come... I just don't understand.. I try to be a friend to people.. But very few people actually reciprocate...

Part of me says i'm jealous of him.. Well, i've been wanting a girlfriend.. To some extents trying to get one.. Nah.. maybe i'm just not that much a ladies man as he is.. Maybe its just that i'm not able to attract girls of my type (although i've been able to attract quite a few who are not).... Well, i guess the tough, athletic girls that I like just won't like me.. Nah.. I'm not mature enough yet.. Dun think about it... lol..

Sigh.. Memories flood back.. Memories that I hate to remember.. Blissful memories, nonetheless.. But memories I hate to remember because I can never re-live those days.. Those days Mr Anthony Chew were around... Those days CCK winds prospered.. Those days everyone looked up to me to take on the leadership of hte band and carry on the good work.. I'm so confident I can do it.. Just that I've never been given the chance.. A real chance at leadership.. There again, my blame goes to the MOE.. in this aspect.. since not everyone is given a fair chance...

Memories come back.. THat familiar smell of the band room.. the stale dried saliva smell... the rattling air-con... The percussion drummers jamming there with skillful tempo after practice.. The sight of Daowei or Panda(Jiawei.. Both cornet players) spraying the HAZEL air freshener.. The smelly smell of the air fresheners that flood the room... Anneson's smile and his music... Anneson's warm voice... THe sound of the rest of the flute section... My juniors asking me to help them keep their stands.. Mr Chew's teasing about me being such a good senior(helping them to keep stands)... Sigh.. Sometimes I don't wish to remember all these.. My battle wounds.. My pride and honour.. Sometimes I just wish I dont remember all these... So much laughter and tears there.. In that very band room... alll nothing now.. All just become a crappy Yuan Ching band now.. the glory, honour and prestiege of CCK Winds.. Nah.. nothing now..

Nah.. I just wanna stop thinking of all those... Blissful memoirs they are.. Yet sad to remember... I'm just like a prince of a rich nation, now reduced to just a beggar.. Country torn by war... nothing.. Nothing but my body and soul left.. Sad.. Just sad..

Anyway, I poured my heart out here.. Mebbe if.. Just if someone from band reads this.. Perhaps he/she might understand why I hate Yuan Ching Band so much... All my efforts down the drain.. Nah.. I thought....dreamed that I could bring YCS band from a bronze medalist to silver medals.. By implementing protocol.. By introducing warmups and techniques.. No.. I'm all alone fighting this battle.. None of the three generations of leaders(the 87-89 batch) listened to me at all.. I make a prediction:YCS Band will close down within three years.. Now it will be less than my prediction the last time... Less than three years.. Now with Ms Chong gone, it will be less than three years.. If Ms Chong were around, the band still could survive for three years.. Because knowing her, she would probably work to try to preserve the band.. No.. Not now.. Not since the VP of Tanglin Sec is coming to be our principal.. If anyone would heed my warning.. Nah.. its too late.. Too late for even if Mr CHew were to step in to try to correct the situation.. Although he probably won't even if begged.. and probably never will..

Thank you for being my listening ear,.. I kinda feel better after pouring my heart out.. Thanks for bearing with my insane ramblings... haha.. thanks for reading tho