feeling:alone......

Fighting alone.... I guess i'm half jealous of edi.. who has a better half to compliment him.... Anyway, I've been wanting a better half.. someone to build a house on the rock with. kinda jealous...

Well, i'm still fighting alone.. fighting myself, fighting others... conflict inside, conflict outside... I have a lot of things to change during this time, and I'm thankful God gave me this block of free time.. Tho i wish it can be more but...what the heck!

Sometimes, I feel I need someone to compliment me.. Someone I can encourage, hold up and provoke unto good works.. Someone who can do the same for me...

I guess in reflection sometimes I might just get the whole concept wrong.. Maybe in here, I expect my girl (if i have one) to be my drug, to numb feelings of pain I feel elsewhere.. To let me absorb myself in her, to just get that 'feelings'... I guess i may be wrong sometimes.. in that..

Sigh.. memories. I hate memories. Some of the best times I felt in CCK winds.. I jsut cant let go.. Can't forget... I can't let go the painful fact that since I was politically ousted that the whole band is falling to pieces faster than I expected.. I'm going back to visit on tue.. HEck, I don't even know anyone there. I'm just hoping I still can recover my silvercloth.. an item of rememberence.

I had some of the best times in my life there. two band camps(dam! only two! in sec 1)My seniors.. My juniors.. Everyone was just a family there..... In there, we leave our troubles at the doorstep,.. on dennis' hair, then we go in for the practice.. I enjoyed every single practice.. all the way till end of sec 2.. Some of the grandest times I had there.. Going to perform at the Istana... watching the Crescendo II at raffles hotel. an official concert. performing regularly at MacRitchie... Performed once at CCK park for its opening ceremony... memories.. I hate memories. good memories only make me want to re-live them.. THat makes me feel that loss.. that pain. Bad memories only want to be forgotten.

Sighs.. I need a tranquiliser.. some drug.. some depressant drug... maybe.. haha...

fighting on the other side. It seems that soon, I may have to play the role of da ge in YF.. It seems that ppl from my batch are fast disappearing.. All that remains now are a few senior YFers who will graduate in time to come. then the rest is us.. and the sec 1s and 2s.. Time for me to crawl out of my shell and prepare to take the helm.. but.. I'm not ready.....

Seems that soon, in the 'perfect Bible' issue.. I may end up having to take a stand... in the split. I feel so alone. nobody to fully be able to trust, to say everyting out while having full assurance he will not betray you one day.

I feel alone.
Just alone.
I need recluse.
I want out.
now.
I want out. NOW!
~alone~ still fightin alone... {disappoitned.. bordering on hate}[fighting for all i'm worth] |trying to stay in once piece..mentally..physically|

I guess i'll share about the {disappointed...bordering on hate} part another time.. tired... sad.. can someone share my sorrow and burden? can someone half my burden?